mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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