Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize