He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
