My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
