I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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