Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
organizing the empties. That sober.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
