A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
