Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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