just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
