and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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