I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
