We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The air taste purple.
Randomize
