I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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