I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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