Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Holy shit dude........stairs
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
