Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My feet surprised me
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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