i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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