Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
