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i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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