Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
