You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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