I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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