my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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