tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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