So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
