No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
