She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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