I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just cropdusted the office
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
