i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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