I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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