I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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