Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My vagina just recognized that song.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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