The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
