bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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