my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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