My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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