woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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