I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
