actually, I'm a sock model
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
