I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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