I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
