I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
