I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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