I am in a vortex of obligation.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
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