i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do