my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.