why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
