I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.