the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
