I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
