Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
