JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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