do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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