i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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