So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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