My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
