I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
