Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
