Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Threesome in a minivan. New low
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
