If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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