At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
