just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
