Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
