turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
