it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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