I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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